Although Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is yet to be formally recognised as a diagnosis by the medical professions, many people who have ADHD – or know an ADHDer – will have some awareness of the difficulties RSD can bring to a person’s life and relationships. In her gut-punching verse, poet Jackie Fernandez lets us take a full-force glimpse at the inner world and emotional volcano of rejection, low self-esteem and shame of a person full in the flow of RSD.
(Please be aware, this poem contains expletives.)
Rejection
Sensitive
Dysphoria
RSD
A by-product of ADHD
That’s me!
It sneaks up on you when you least expect it
Anywhere
Anyplace
Any fucking how
At
Any
Fucking
Time.
It’s like a tidal wave
Smashing into my body and soul
Knocking me off my feet
Punching me beyond defeat
My RSD becomes my inner voice
When I’ve forgotten deadlines
Forgotten appointments
Or I haven’t tried my best
Putting me to the test.
When my body can’t keep up
It will pour shit on me
From the shittiest cup
And then it starts saying
You’re rubbish at …
Running – you will never run fast
You’re too fat
You’re shit at that!
You’re shit at football
You run out of puff
You stupid fucking Chuff!
You can’t kick a ball
You let in goals
People are just putting up with you
You don’t deserve any of these roles!
You’re slack with your work
You got pulled up on a report
For not spell-checking
Or checking the grammar
You always come up short!
Shame on you!
You fat fucking scammer!
You’re a crap parent
The kids know that
They put up with you
Until they can leave
Shut the door behind them
And feel so relieved.
You deserve nothing!
You’re crap at everything!
You’re old grey and fat
Nobody will ever love that!
Pause …
And then the wave recedes
The black clouds move away
I open my eyes
And see the bruises
That RSD left …
I felt every punch
The fists pummelling me
Beyond recognition
But now, I am free
It’s gone for now
To return once more
My spiteful friend RSD
Will knock me to the floor
And pound me once again
To my very core.
Jackie Fernandez
Published 7 October 2024
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