Month: November 2024

Founder, psychotherapist and coach Duncan E. Stafford is worrying about ADHDers and celebratory times. On the other side of the pond, in the US, my British–American family are preparing to commemorate Thanksgiving (with awareness of indigenous sovereignty). It’s one of those times when people come together, eat, drink and celebrate. Of course, there are, for many people in the UK, other celebratory occasions coming up …

(5 minute read)

As a neurodivergent adult or child, celebrations like birthdays, weddings, Christmas, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Eid and Diwali – to name just a few – can become very challenging times. They are also about enjoying occasions with other people and can bring excitement and joy. However, these sorts of shared events, as ADHDers know, may also trigger overwhelm and stress, and encourage emotional outbursts of one kind or another.

Challenges for ADHDers

Celebratory events can bring sensory overload. Think, for instance, of the bright lights and loud music or noise from tightly packed spaces. These sorts of factors can make for difficulties with “filtering” and thereby lead to overwhelm, exhaustion and, of course, irritation.

Celebratory events, while being enjoyable for many, also bring disruption to routines – something that can be particularly difficult for ADHDers who rely on routine for self-care management. One late night out of routine can lead to irregular patterns and disrupted schedules, which quickly escalate to fatigue and becoming unable to manage your emotional responses.

Social expectation

Socialising can bring considerable demands on ADHDers; continuing polite conversations beyond your own limits or feeling the need to conform to social conventions can really “up the pressure” on the individual. Yes, sitting at a table for extended periods while conforming to social norms such as listening without constantly interrupting others, keeping track of themes or staying on topic can be remarkably tiring and create internal stress of all sorts.

The good side?

Of course, such events are also full of novelty, stimulation, relatedness and, if fully engaged with, ADHDers might even get involved in a bit of pleasurable hyperfocus and positively become the life and soul of the party.

What can ADHDers do to survive celebrations?

Planning and preparation can be very helpful at times of celebration. Simplify preparations into small tasks like buying presents over a defined period, rather than expecting yourself to do it all in one mammoth, dopamine-absent shopping trip.

When it comes to the event itself, create your own timeline. Arrival and exit times – the book ends of an occasion – can often be within your own control. Also, plan your downtimes and escapes within an event. Trips to the bathroom, e.g., can be a saving grace. Taking a few moments to be on your own or reasonably silent are often a possibility – even if only when you are waiting at the bar or buffet. If you are someone who finds events difficult, spread out these “downtime moments” to get you through the entire event – allowing you to see the whole as a series of short stages.

The closer you are to the action the more stimulating it is likely to be, so take breaks from the noise, light and energy of others from time to time. Don’t forget fidget gadgets, but go careful on the things that stimulate and exacerbate hyperactivity and emotions.

If occasions and cultural demands allow it, say “no” when you need to and let the people closest to you know your needs. What’s fun for some is a challenge for others and it is often okay to skip part of an event if people know why you are doing so.

Embrace self-compassion and acknowledge your feelings, as this can help to minimise feeling judged and reduce self-imposed stress. Finally, prioritise and look forward to the bits of celebrations that you like – dance if you want to, but check that’s what other people will be doing, too!

The end of the year?

Members of Attention Allies come from, and work with, a wide variety of backgrounds, ethnicities and cultures. During 2024 we have heard in sessions about ADHDers’ celebrations – some of which were just as they had hoped for, while others became a challenge. Towards the end of this calendar year and into the beginning of the next, they will be heading towards, for example, Christmas, Hanukkah, Bodhi Day, Shōgatsu, Kwanzaa and Pancha Ganapati hopefully with new skill sets and tools to be successful in their celebrations. For me? I will be sitting down to a feast with my nearest and dearest on the longest night of the year to celebrate the start of Yule (one of the oldest events in December) warming my way to 2025. While I’m glad to celebrate, it’s also something I enjoy doing relatively quietly. Good cheer!

 

Click the links if you’d like to visit Duncan’s therapy website or her directory entry on Attention Allies.

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Published 25 November 2024

 

All rights reserved © Copyright Duncan E. Stafford 2024. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from the author of this post is strictly prohibited. Author contact via website Contact page.

Website version and image © Copyright Attention Allies 2024.

Intriguingly, anger is noticeably missing from the formal diagnostic criteria for ADHD. While there is research to support the idea of emotional dysregulation being part of the story, there are perhaps other ways to look at your anger and ADHD. Here, transactional analysis-trained therapist Hayley Watkins takes us through some interesting thoughts on how to understand your anger and its part in your self-protection system.

(4 minute read)

Anger is energetic, it’s forceful, and it can feel good – really bloody good. Anger says, “That person’s being unfair and I won’t stand for it!” That’s why we sometimes get angry when we feel powerless: it’s more reassuring to feel angry than to give up and feel defeated.

It’s empowering. Or at least, it can be.

But you wouldn’t be reading this if you were entirely satisfied with your relationship with anger. So, rather than labelling your experience with anger as “anger issues” and looking at “anger management techniques”, let’s explore what anger means, starting with paying due respect to what it does for us.

The bodyguard emotion

Problems can start to arise when we get angry at ourselves: “I didn’t do my best, so I should be punished for that.” That’s a part of how RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) works, and it can make our anger self-destructive, which isn’t helpful for us if we already feel like other people treat us badly for having ADHD.

Anger can also become a problem when we get angry at someone who didn’t cause the problem in the first place. Perhaps we’re angry at Person A but only feel safe to get angry at Person B, or perhaps nobody’s at fault at all. But it still feels “better” to get angry, so we do.

So, how do we make sure we’re not hurting ourselves or the people who care about us?

Protective or destructive?

I could talk here about how you could take a step back, be logical and decide whether you’re being fair to yourself or the other person. If you can do that, then fantastic – go for it! But that’s not the whole story.

Whether we’re angry for the “right” reasons or not, we still feel it. It’s still one of the range of emotions that people feel, and we need to let ourselves process it rather than denying it or pretending it doesn’t exist.

How can we do that? Having a friend who understands that we all get angry sometimes can help. If you and your friend both know that you get angry sometimes, and can talk about it after you’ve cooled down, then that may well be all you need.

With that said, friends who stay around us if we’re often angry can be hard to come by, because they may feel shamed or even scared by anger. If you don’t have anyone in your life to do that, then a therapist might be a good option.

Getting angry at your therapist

So, now you have a therapist. Now things should start getting easier … right? Perhaps, or perhaps not. At some point, you might feel angry at your therapist. But if you feel angry at your therapist, then doesn’t that mean they’re no good? Well, not quite.

“Feeling better” might be your long-term goal, but before we get there, you might need to work on what happens when you get angry – and sooner or later, you almost certainly will get angry at your therapist. The key here is, what do they do when you get angry? A good therapist will usually invite you to talk with them so you can both understand how the anger became part of your relationship, what it’s protecting and how else you might approach the situation.

This is called “processing”. It’s a major part of therapy, and well worth hanging around to do.

Finishing up

This blog post isn’t about discouraging you from ever feeling anger. Anger’s a part of your self-protection system. I wrote this to draw attention to the way we can develop an unhealthy relationship with our anger, and explore what we can do about it. Exploring this is worthwhile because when you have a good relationship with anger, you’ll have a good relationship with your vulnerability. When you have a good relationship with vulnerability, you’ll have closer, more meaningful, more loving relationships.

So, wherever you are on your journey to understanding and processing your own anger, good luck!

 

Click the links if you’d like to visit Hayley’s therapy website or her directory entry on Attention Allies.

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Published 17 November 2024

 

All rights reserved © Copyright Hayley Watkins 2024. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from the author of this post is strictly prohibited. Author contact via website Contact page.

Website version and image © Copyright Attention Allies 2024.

At Attention Allies we know that RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) is an overwhelming challenge for many ADHDers. However, our founder Duncan E. Stafford suggests that by focusing on autonomy, competence and relatedness (the three basic psychological needs outlined in self-determination theory (SDT)) we can begin to build resilience against the intense emotional pain of RSD.

(6 minute read)

If you live with ADHD, you may have experienced the intense, sometimes overwhelming, set of emotions known as RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). Although RSD doesn’t yet constitute a formal diagnosis, it’s a term that resonates deeply within the ADHD community.

RSD is generally understood as an extremely intense emotional reaction to perceived or actual rejection, criticism or failure. The emotional pain can be overwhelming, leading people to avoid social situations, withdraw from relationships or, in some cases, express explosive anger. These reactions can deeply affect an individual’s psychological needs, leaving life feeling like a series of high-stakes emotional hurdles.

Sam’s rejections

Sam, who was diagnosed with ADHD aged 38, describes her past experience with RSD as feeling like an “internal ticking bomb”. In her words:

I was hypersensitive to anything that might feel like rejection. When I was in that headspace, neutral or sometimes even supportive comments would feel like attacks.

This hypersensitivity undermined her sense of competence and her belief in her own ability to handle life’s ups and downs effectively. During times of real and perceived rejection, Sam’s confidence would plummet – being replaced by self-doubt and a sense of deep failure.

Before Sam entered coaching and therapy (where she developed skills that helped her to “step back from herself”) she strongly believed the classical thinking about ADHD: that she lacked control because of impaired executive function. Coaching and therapy that used SDT principles began to support and develop her sense of autonomy (our ability to regulate our own responses and manage the emotional world), helping her to become engaged and invested in personal change that no longer felt out of reach:

I went from feeling like my reactions had a life of their own to having a stepped framework to understand I could be autonomous and competent. The intense RSD feelings – the after effects of which could last for a few days – became something I began to deal with as soon as I was aware I’d been triggered.

Therapy helped Sam to recognise specific triggers that tended to precede these emotional surges, gradually supporting and developing her sense of autonomy. By becoming more aware of these triggers, she could manage her emotions before they spiralled out of control.

Connection amid emotional pain

RSD often chips away at our sense of connection to others (relatedness). When minor misunderstandings or perceived slights can feel like intense rejection it’s easy to question whether we’re genuinely accepted or valued by others. For Sam, this played out in her relationships with friends, family and colleagues. A seemingly casual comment, for example, could be misinterpreted as criticism, threatening her sense of security and belonging.

Our need for relatedness runs deep, but when RSD undermines our connections it can lead to social withdrawal or frustrated outbursts. Sam found that coaching and therapy helped to strengthen her communication skills so she could be clearer about her needs, feelings and boundaries, in turn easing the impact of RSD in her relationships.

Feeling with meaning

Many ADHD researchers suggest that emotional regulation issues stem partly from impulsivity and challenges with executive functioning. Yet for those with ADHD, emotional control often aligns with how competent, related and autonomous they feel. For example, when a task feels meaningful and we feel capable, emotional regulation is easier. When an ADHDer feels disconnected or the task lacks value and interest, managing emotions becomes considerably harder.

Ali, another person with ADHD, describes how, “when I’m feeling overwhelmed, it doesn’t take much to set me off. A crowded store or a car cutting me up in a queue would feel very personal, like an attack.” Ali found that his RSD was often connected to previous experiences of times when he’d felt invisible or unimportant leading him to spiral into feelings of rejection – even when he logically knew that wasn’t the case. Through therapy, Ali worked on recognising his emotional triggers and particularly developing his sense of competence. He additionally developed greater autonomy in handling his emotions, further reducing the power of RSD episodes over his life.

Recognition

Being able to recognise situations and people who challenge our fundamental experience of autonomy, competence and relatedness can help us to begin to gain control over RSD. Recognising triggers can begin the process of developing our autonomy, empowering us to manage our emotional responses. Techniques learned through therapy or coaching can help us to release pent-up emotions, fostering a sense of competence and self-efficacy. By nurturing supportive relationships, we can reinforce our relatedness, creating a safety net for times when RSD feels especially intense.

Sam’s journey through therapy highlighted the importance of strengthening all three of these psychological needs. When she learned how to identify her triggers, she gained autonomy; when she practised emotional regulation techniques, she built her competence and when she improved her communication with friends and family, she was able to see and develop her relatedness. Each of these shifts contributed to her ability to better manage RSD, improving her emotional health and overall wellbeing.

Understanding how RSD impacts our core needs of autonomy, competence and relatedness can offer those with ADHD a new way to navigate life’s challenges, build stronger connections and feel more secure within themself.

Read Bruised/RSD – a connected blog article by poet Jackie Fernandez who lets us take a full-force glimpse at the inner world and emotional volcano of rejection, low self-esteem and shame of a person full in the flow of RSD

 

Click the links if you’d like to visit Duncan’s therapy website or her directory entry on Attention Allies.

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Published 4 November 2024

All rights reserved © Copyright Duncan E. Stafford 2024. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from the author of this post is strictly prohibited. Author contact via website Contact page.

Website version and image © Copyright Attention Allies 2024.