In “ADHD, ME …”, sister poem of “ADHD? ME?”, poet Jackie Fernandez illuminates the work struggles she endured around her initial diagnosis just before the Covid-19 pandemic. Full of Jackie's usual wit and charm, “ADHD, ME …” continues to allow readers into the thoughts and journey of one woman with a late diagnosis of ADHD.
I was diagnosed as we were going into lockdown
Covid taking over our lives
Boris acting like a clown
As we got used to living day and night in our dressing gowns.
It was only a week or so from getting this bombshell
I was assessed by a psychiatrist
Asking me loads of questions
About my childhood
About school
About the jobs I had and lost
With little notice
But at a great cost
To my confidence
Unsure of my skills
My experience
Was I any good at it?
Did I try my best?
Why couldn’t I fit in?
RSD wanting to put me in the bin
I worked for a charity
That supported people with disabilities
Providing stability
To folk who struggled with mobility
Or folk who were neurodivergent
Some very observant
Some obsessed with detergent
Some talking like a machine gun
Because in their head it was urgent.
I thought I was in the right place
To share my diagnosis with grace
And not hide my face.
I told my manager
I have ADHD
Could you share this with the board
It will shed light on how I work
And understand how ADHD can be a positive quirk
I didn’t get the response I expected
Words that would’ve been a warm embrace
But in reality,
I’ve never felt so rejected.
She explained how now was not the right time
We had to focus on Covid-19
I had to look after my staff team
Steady the boat
Keep it afloat
A Secret
Like it was something so bad
So awful
So earth-shattering for them
I felt unimportant
But took it on the chin
I had to focus on my job
Put my feelings in the bin
The news was shared eventually
To all the board members
Who’d known me for years
But things did not look like they appeared
An email was sent out to all
Telling them of my ADHD
I was expecting to be bombarded with responses
Telling me its ok
We will support you
How have you managed for so long?
We are right behind you
You’ve done nothing wrong.
I was bombarded by silence
It was deafening
Soundless
So, so quiet
So, so still
Nobody said anything to me
It gave me quite a chill.
I had no support
They didn’t want a CEO to have ADHD
What an embarrassment I was to them
To have a disability
To not be neurotypical
“Normal”
A role model
To not be abnormal
I felt I let them down
I had taken a step down
I had lost my crown
Published 6 December 2024
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