Navigating conversations can be tricky for ADHDers, especially when hidden meanings are involved. Here, Transactional Analysis-focused therapist Laura Knight explains that Neurotypicals often use indirect communication, while ADHDers tend to be more direct. Understanding these differences can help to improve relationships and reduce confusion in everyday interactions.

(5 min read)

Living with ADHD often means navigating a world that feels overwhelming and unpredictable. One source of anxiety for many ADHDers in personal and professional relationships is the experience of awkwardness and confusion when they sense that something they have said wasn’t what the other (often Neurotypical/NT) person expected, and they have no idea why. Being met with silence or a blank face can feel uncomfortable and can leave individuals feeling nervous of future interactions.

NT communication can sometimes involve hidden messages or indirect ways of asking for things while ADHDers may communicate in a more direct and specific way. Both of these communication styles are valid; however, these differences can lead to misunderstandings that may impact relationships. Understanding these differences can help to improve communication.

In personal relationships, a misunderstanding might look something like this:

Joanne (NT): Have you seen my purse?

Simon (ADHD): No.

Joanne (NT): Feels hurt.

Simon (ADHD): Feels confused.

In writing, the words spoken by each person look like a straightforward exchange. If we add in a description of Joanne’s internal process, we get more information:

Joanne (NT): Is anxious because she’s running late. She wants Simon to help her but in her feeling of overwhelm, the option to ask for help directly is not in her awareness.

In this example, Joanne’s hidden message was “Please help me”. When Simon answered “No”, she felt unsupported and hurt. Simon heard a straightforward question and gave a straightforward answer, so felt confused at Joanne’s response.

Here, Joanne’s question was an “ulterior transaction” (Stewart and Joines, 2012). In Transactional Analysis (TA), an ulterior transaction consists of two different levels of communication, each with a different message:

The social-level message: the words that are spoken; the overt message.

The psychological-level message: conveyed by non-verbal clues such as body posture, gestures, facial expression, tone of voice; the hidden or covert message.

Ulterior transactions can cause confusion in both ADHD/NT communication and in NT/NT communication. So, with the potential for confusion all round, why would people communicate in this way?!

Noting individual differences, NTs tend to prioritise social bonding and connection over direct communication. Feeling connected to others helps them to feel safe, so they may seek to avoid anything that threatens this. They may also give a filtered version of what they really want to say in the belief that it sounds more “polite”, thus avoiding tension or confrontation. Alternatively, they may feel afraid of making clear and direct statements about what they want or need in case they are judged or rejected.

Of course, it is difficult to know for sure if someone’s question or statement has a hidden meaning, because it is hidden! Below, I outline some ideas that ADHDers could use to navigate the possibility of hidden messages, followed by some ideas that NTs could use to make their communication more ADHD friendly.

For ADHDers

1. It’s worth noting that generally, NTs are not being cryptic deliberately. It’s largely unconscious and is often viewed by them as being “polite”.
2. Answering a question with something like “My first draft response is ...” allows you to see how the other person responds, giving you the flexibility to add more information if needed. It also “softens” what you say, which is likely to take away any perceived abruptness.
3. If you sense that what you have said wasn’t what the other person expected, don’t be afraid to ask for clarity using, for example: “Is that what you were looking for?” or “Is there anything else you would like?”
4. If you feel OK to do so, let the other person know when they’ve said something that you find confusing and give them an example of how to say it differently: “Instead of saying ‘The house is a mess’, please ask specifically for what you want, like ‘Please can you put away your clothes?’”
5. Understand that for any of us, change takes time and practice, so making a request once probably won’t be enough. You may need to remind them several times before it becomes a habit.

For NTs

1. Remember that people communicate differently and that communication differences are two-way. While what you are saying may be obvious to you, it might not be to someone else.
2. Being clear and concise helps to avoid misunderstandings. Avoid using language that requires the other person to “read between the lines”.
3. If you notice the other person looking confused or unsure, or if you don’t get the response you were looking for, check in with them: did your request make sense? Do they need any more information?
4. Be aware of sensory/processing differences. If things don’t seem to be working, check how the other person is and ask if there’s anything they would like you to do differently.
5. If someone asks for clarity, remember that it may have taken a lot of courage for them to speak up. Ask them for an example of how you could be clearer next time.

Whatever our communication style, if we can approach our interactions from a place of mutual respect, are open to feedback and are willing to be flexible we are likely to experience more positivity in our relationships.

Disclaimer: This article discusses differences in communication styles using generalised experiences of ADHDers and Neurotypicals (NTs). The author has chosen to focus on authentic communication rather than communication that involves deliberate lying or manipulation. Individual experiences may vary; it is not the author’s intention to stereotype either neurotype.

 

Reference

Stewart, I. and Joines, V. 2012. TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis.

 

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Published 9 March 2025

 

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