Many adults with ADHD grew up in a school system that misunderstood their struggles, leading to shame, masking and self-criticism. In this personal reflection, integrative counsellor and creative therapist Rich Hayden explores the lasting impact of the “just try harder” message.
(4 minute read)
In our modern society, we have the understanding that having ADHD affects attention (or lack of it!), impulsivity and hyperactivity; but this hasn’t always been in our social awareness.
If you’re over the age of 40 then you’ll probably remember neon socks and fingerless gloves, so let’s take a short trip back the 80s – my school years:
“If only Richard would try harder.”
“He’s an intelligent boy; if he just applied himself he would do so much better.”
“If he paid attention and concentrated, then he might learn something.”
“If he could just sit still and focus instead of fidgeting.”
These are all commonly repeated phrases from my old school reports; many of my clients and friends report having had similar experiences too.
This was the culture in the education system during the 1980s, 90s and even beyond. The system that missed all the obvious signs there were children with differently wired brains who required a different approach to learning. It has left behind a generation with many late-diagnosed ADHDers.
The thing is, many of us did try harder – those who didn’t rebel against the system and weren’t placed into the then-horrifically named “remedial classes” anyway.
We tried to meet the expectations that were required of us.
We tried to focus and concentrate.
We tried to achieve the grades.
We tried to make our brains pay attention to subjects we found boring.
We also beat ourselves up internally each and every time we failed.
In summary, we tried really damn hard to conform to being more neurotypical!
In other words, what we really learned was to mask more efficiently. One of the negative payoffs of this kind of masking is learning to switch off responses to things ADHDers would typically find fascinating or wonderful, like being lost in a hyperfocus thought tunnel about space and the universe during a geography lesson about capital cities!
What I find interesting about this is that, as I got older and my brain became more developed, I started to struggle with the masks and the loss of fascination in the things I desired. As a teenager it became almost impossible to concentrate on anything I wasn’t interested in. For me, at that time I began to be obsessed with music, particularly rock music.
I would hear songs in my head all the time and that was all I wanted to, or even could, concentrate on. Who the hell cares about capital cites of the world or what the formula for the area of the inside of a triangle is when you’ve got Slash’s epic lead break from “Sweet Child O’ Mine” going round on repeat? Literally note by note!
I still remember those horribly uncomfortable moments of having my hyperfocus broken and being pulled back into the reality of the classroom, only then to be scolded by the teacher for not paying attention. I remember the shame of those moments of criticism I received as a child.
I feel like that’s enough memory lane of the 80s and 90s, so back to the here and now. The all-too-real problem that this criticism of ADHD children creates is a lack of self-worth and confidence. This is often perpetuated and self-confirmed through experiences during teenage years and even into adulthood. It’s an issue I’ve seen a lot of ADHDers bring into the therapy room, whether they rebelled against the criticism as children or responded to it with masking.
The “just try harder” attitude really only ever results in a boat of criticism floating on an ocean of not being good enough that washes against islands of “I don’t know who I am and what’s wrong with me”. It also reinforces the message that many ADHDers have: that being different isn’t a good thing.
I work a lot using the concept of parts of ourselves with many of my neurodivergent clients. One part that is unsurprisingly common among ADHDers is a strong internal critic. The inward pointing finger. The voice that berates every single little mistake, failure, miss, non-achievement or wrong thing you do. The voice that says, “You’re not good enough”. The voice that says, “You should have tried harder”.
Of course, the reality is that none of these things are true. That critical voice is lying! The truth of the internal critic is that it’s just a huge distraction; it’s all hot air, smoke and mirrors. Like any other protector part, the critic is trying to keep us from feeling pain, often pain we’ve been unintentionally holding onto since childhood.
In my experience, the critic rarely works alone in these smoke-and-mirrors situations. I often see ADHDers also identify a perfectionist part who sets an unrealistic goal, a procrastinating part who wastes time and then, on the tail end, the critic who has a whale of a time berating you for the unachieved goal! This triad of parts can keep a distraction going for hours, even days in extreme situations.
The good news is that it’s possible to learn to manage yourself through this, to stop the harsh critical voice. It’s also possible to heal from the past and become more confident, self-assured and happy. It takes time and effort, but it’s all possible!
Having worked with the after effects of “just try harder” so much, I can’t help but ask myself what the outcome would be if an ADHD brain was supported to learn in its own unique way? Could it produce someone who is capable of deep, creative thinking and hyperfocusing, yet confident in their identity and secure in feeling good enough? Sounds like a person who has an awful lot to offer in my opinion!
Click the links if you’d like to visit Rich’s therapy website or hir directory entry on Attention Allies.
Published 18 May 2025
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