Therapy works best when it feels human. In this article, therapists Bev Woolmer and Duncan E. Stafford (Attention Allies founder) share why adopting a partnership model can transform ADHD therapy and lead to more meaningful outcomes.

(8 minute read)

The words we use to describe therapy carry deep meaning. Psychotherapy derives from the Greek roots of psyche, “soul”, and therapeia, “healer”. Counsellor is often attributed as meaning “someone who walks alongside”. These terms remind us that therapy has always been more than expertise. At its best, it is about journeying, guiding and carrying together. Yet in practice, the way therapy is structured does not always reflect this.

Moving beyond “expert mentality”

In the past, counselling and psychotherapy often placed the therapist in the role of “expert”. Historically this made sense, as early psychotherapists and analysts were psychiatrists – medical doctors whose authority carried weight both inside and outside the therapy room. Over time, therapists came to be seen as interpreters of truth, guiding clients from known and potentially fixed positions with roots in a medical model and the power that comes from that position.

For some, this approach, even now, could feel safe and reassuring. But for others, especially those with ADHD, it can create distance. If therapy feels like a top-down process where the therapist holds answers, clients may feel alienated. Certain therapy styles and modalities, if delivered rigidly, risk reinforcing imbalance. ADHDers often benefit most when approaches are adapted to be collaborative and flexible.

ADHD is often misunderstood in wider society. Many clients arrive in therapy with long histories of being judged, criticised or told they are “too much” or “not enough”. When we as therapists place ourselves on a pedestal, we risk repeating those patterns of disempowerment.

We believe that a pro-active approach whereby we are focused on equity is essential in working side by side with clients. We all have power and agency. Creating a relationship that shares power with another can be transformative; it strengthens collaboration and humanises the process making therapy more accessible and impactful.

Expert model vs partnership model

Aspect of therapy	Expert model	Partnership model
Therapist role	Authority, interpreter, fixer	Collaborator, guide, co-explorer
Relationship dynamic	Hierarchical, top-down	Equitable, being a supportive ally
Client experience	Can feel judged, passive or dependent	Feels validated, empowered and actively engaged
View of ADHD	Pathology to be managed or corrected	Lived experience with strengths and challenges to be honoured
Communication style	Directive, advice-driven	Curious, flexible, collaborative
Session structure	Therapist sets focus and pace	Client-led, supporting client’s goals
Humanisation	Therapist maintains professional distance	Authentic presence, appropriate self-disclosure
Growth process	Therapist provides strategies clients should adopt	Exploring strategies with client; autonomy as to what feels right for them

The power of humanisation

Research shows that trust and connection are the foundation of effective therapy. Humanising the process reduces distance and fosters real engagement. This is not about oversharing but about showing enough of ourselves to make therapy feel like a genuine relationship rather than a one-sided performance.

• Sharing personal narratives: When appropriate, we may briefly share an experience of our own. This can normalise struggle, reduce shame and remind clients that therapists are also human beings navigating life.
• Using anecdotes: Real-world examples help to make abstract concepts more tangible. A story about missing a train or juggling competing demands can suddenly make executive function challenges easier to grasp.

These small acts shift therapy from a top-down exercise to a meeting place of two people, where genuine connection and integrity is prized, honoured and valued. ADHD therapists can offer mirroring, celebration of authenticity, realness and directness, by speaking the same language within the neurodivergent umbrella.

Self-Determination Theory in ADHD therapy

Another framework we find invaluable is Self-Determination Theory (SDT) (Empowering ADHD/NT couples with self-determination theory (SDT) and Can autonomy, competence and relatedness be the ADHDers’ defence against RSD?). SDT identifies three core psychological needs:

• Autonomy: Supporting clients to feel in control of their choices and relationships. For ADHDers, who may have experienced repeated attempts by others to control or “manage” them, creating or restoring autonomy can be profoundly healing.
• Competence: Helping clients build the skills to manage life’s demands more effectively. This might include practising communication strategies, creating realistic planning systems or role-playing difficult conversations.
• Relatedness: Strengthening connections that feel authentic and supportive. Therapy itself can model such connections, while also exploring how clients can cultivate it in their wider lives.

When we integrate SDT into our practice we create environments where ADHD clients feel engaged, confident and empowered to grow.

Partnership in action

So what does partnership look like in practice? Sometimes it means walking alongside. At other times it means getting into the boat with the client – picking up an oar to demonstrate a stroke or simply floating together as they show us their own way of navigating the waters.

Partnership also means listening closely to what ADHDers tell us works for them. Some clients, for example, will respond best to visual tools; others to movement-based exercises or felt-sense approaches. Our role is not to impose a method but to remain curious and flexible.

We also acknowledge that ADHD affects relationships, workplaces and friendships in distinct ways. Rejection sensitivity (Bruised/RSD), masking at work or difficulties with boundaries can all have profound impacts. By working collaboratively, we can explore these challenges without judgement and support clients to experiment with new ways of relating.

Towards a more human practice with ADHDers

As therapists specialising in ADHD, we see daily how powerful this shift can be. When clients are treated as equals, shame diminishes. When they experience us as partners in change rather than judges, resilience grows. When we openly acknowledge the challenges of ADHD while also celebrating creativity, spontaneity and intensity, meaningful change becomes possible.

As a profession, we are continuing, on the whole, to move away from models that position us as distanced experts. The future lies in approaches that are responsive, relational and deeply human. If we can embrace this shift collectively, we can create spaces that empower ADHDers and enrich our practice at the same time. As therapists, embracing partnership means humility in practice: inviting feedback, co-creating session agendas and showing clients that we don’t have all the answers, but that we are committed travelling companions. By taking this stance, we can build relationships that dismantle shame, grow resilience and allow ADHDers not just to cope but to thrive.

Therapy is not about fixing people. It is about walking alongside, in all seasons and all weathers, embracing the messiness of life as well as its beauty and joy. It is being with people, accepting who they are, their emotions and feelings, and being prepared to climb in the boat and sit with them seeing where the current takes us.

 

Click the links if you'd like to visit Duncan's therapy website or Bev’s therapy website. Their directory entries for  Attention Allies.

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Published 5 October 2025

 

All rights reserved © Copyright Duncan E. Stafford and Bev Woolmer 2025. Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from the authors of this post is strictly prohibited. Author contact via website Contact page.

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