In another of our express read articles, transactional analysis-trained therapist Hayley Watkins explores classic psychology models through an ADHD lens and reveals a gap in how traits such as “Pleasing Others” or “Perfectionism” are experienced by neurodivergent brains.
(3 minute read)
I had a fascinating conversation with a client a few weeks ago.
To set the scene, I’ll quickly introduce myself: My name’s Hayley, and I love the mechanics of therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy connecting with my clients and being right there beside them while they go through life’s trials and tribulations, but for me, there’s a wonderful power in exploring what’s actually happening in whatever situation my client is facing.
Empathising with you because your dad keeps making withering remarks to you about why you can’t be better is what I’m here for. But knowing that your dad’s disappointed because he’s simultaneously expecting you to …
- prove to him you’re a big boy/girl now who bows to nobody, not even him, and
- defer to him because he’s the big guy around here and always will be (and probably isn’t ever going to see it any other way because “psychology doesn’t exist”)
… robs dad’s words of their sting.
That’s why I love a spot of psychological sleuthing – if and when my client is ready for it, of course!
Interestingly, talking with my client made me look at a model I use for that sort of sleuthing with fresh eyes.
We were exploring psychologist Taibi Kahler’s Drivers. Kahler identified five unconscious drivers – Be Perfect, Please Others, Hurry Up, Be Strong, Try Hard – that can foster both positive and destructive behaviours. Recognising them helps to cultivate the positive and manage the negative (Kahler, 1975), and I realised that Please Others works rather differently if you have ADHD, or autism, and perhaps all sorts of other neurospices.
Pleasing others is often taught from a neurotypical perspective: if you have a Please Others driver, you appease other people; you’re probably a social butterfly, communicate effectively, work well in a team …
But what is masking? Surely that’s Pleasing Others? Most of us – therapists, client and never-been-a-client alike – will be familiar with the effort we put into masking and how thankless it is. You can work hard to keep everyone happy and not upset anyone, but the rest of the group won’t remember the 19 times you got that right; they’ll remember the one time you misjudged it (or forgot to wait for the other person to stop talking, or showed up late, or used too direct a word … take your pick).
How about Be Perfect? How hard do you, reader, work at maintaining your diary so you’re not late for things? Surely the effort it takes to admin your way past an ADHD brain requires a perfectionism that most neurotypicals don’t get to see. They only see the end result: you showing up on time, which hardly looks like perfectionism. Yet, here we are.
I could explore Be Strong, Hurry Up and Try Hard too, and if this blog post does well I can revisit them, but I think we can see the problem here already.
Don’t get me wrong: I love this model, and I can’t tell you whether Dr Taibi Kahler considered neurodivergence while developing it (though it was developed in 1975, when there was so much less focus on neurodivergence, so it’s hard to be sure), but this is a dimension I wasn’t taught in college – to explore models to see whether they really fit my brain, or the brains of my clients. It’s important to make sure we do. Otherwise, it only tempts us to continue to hold ourselves to unreasonable standards – and that’s not therapeutic.
Reference
Kahler, T. (1975). https://authentictalent.be/tools/the-five-drivers-by-taibi-kahler/ (accessed 28 October 2025).
Click the links if you'd like to visit Hayley's therapy website or her directory entry on Attention Allies.
Published 17 November 2025
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