Finding love can be hard enough for neurotypicals. For those of us who are neurodivergent, the struggle can be even harder. However, more than a few of us get there and, when we do, it can be a wonderful revelation: we find somebody who “gets” us in a way almost nobody else seems to.
So you get together and let the magic happen. What could possibly go wrong? Well ... a few things, actually. I’m a couples counsellor specialising in mixed-neurotype couples and, usually, when a couple reaches out to me, they’re experiencing at least one of these five problems:
Problem 1: They are misunderstanding each other at a fundamental level.
Problem 2: The very qualities that brought them together are pushing them apart.
Problem 3: The important conversations aren’t happening.
Problem 4: One half of the couple wants to rush ahead with something.
Problem 5: One half of the couple is keeping quiet out of shame.
The good news is, most of these issues are either fixable or can be reframed into a smaller, more manageable problem with a bit of understanding. Let’s look at some examples.
The potato basket
One couple I worked with – with an autistic husband and ADHD wife – had many problems around the house, but their ongoing dispute over the potato basket exemplified those problems. The wife had low object permanence, so she had to be able to see the potatoes to remember they were there. The husband did not.
She kept them on top of the vegetable trolley, easily within sight, in the plastic bag they’d come in from the supermarket (because, why add the extra step of tearing the bag open when the potatoes were already in situ?). He felt firmly that the right way to store potatoes was to keep them in the bottom basket of the vegetable trolley, where the sun couldn’t reach them so they’d keep longer, and out of the bag so they wouldn’t sweat and rot. Every time he put them there, she would forget they had potatoes, and the potatoes would shrivel or sprout.
The problem wasn’t really about potatoes. The problem was the lack of mutual understanding of what it is to be autistic or to have ADHD. Over the years, the straws slowly accumulated on the camel’s back; the couple only came to me when that camel was just about ready to buckle under the strain.
This doesn’t just illustrate Problem 1; it also covers Problem 2. Most of the time, when a couple comes to me, they introduce the issue as being about household matters. Once a therapist moves in, though, the challenges of being together can become much more apparent. They’re not unfixable, but they can require management.
Lacking the spoons to talk
Spoon theory is pretty well documented, but for the unfamiliar there is a helpful article on the Brain Charity website (July 2021). Usually, this theory is used to describe the logistics of managing life with chronic fatigue, but it’s just as applicable to managing life as a neurodivergent person in this largely neurotypical world, which can be exhausting.
By the end of the working day, many of us are in need of quiet time and lack the energy for a conversation about relationships, especially if we expect it to be stressful. This can stall the resolution of difficult dynamics like the potato basket problem, especially if it’s seen less as a discrepancy in potato filing techniques, and more as “Nothing I ever do seems to be good enough for you”.
The good news is, that can be the exact reason why counselling can be so effective. By agreeing to counselling, you’re agreeing to set aside time especially for these talks – and, as a bonus, you have a referee to guide you through the conversation.
Hitting the brakes and accelerators both at once
I don’t drive, but I know that applying brake and accelerator simultaneously is counter-productive. The same can happen in mixed-neurotype couples.
Consider this: ADHD brings with it a fabulous surge of passion and energy (at least some of the time). As an autistic person, I find this inspirational, and have talked and written before about how much I value it in the people around me (Watkins, 2025). I know that ADHDers can find this energy temperamental, but I simply don’t experience that surge. I consider it a valuable asset, even if it does have a mind of its own.
So that’s the accelerator in an ADHDer’s life. By contrast, shame can be the brake, and a very effective one, too (for more on this see: Rich Hayden, 2025; Stafford, D. and Wilson, A. 2026). My ADHD clients often mention feeling shame; it’s a common experience that inevitably becomes part of a dynamic in relationships with at least one ADHDer.
Contrast this with the autistic experience. Yes, shame can be part of the dynamic for us too (how can we not feel shame when we have “got it wrong” in social situations so many times?), and we can be plodders as opposed to dynamic and energetic like our ADHD partners, and that can feel ... ugh!
Despite this, I can’t help but feel that autistic partners often have “the upper hand” when it comes to shame in their relationships. It’s not such a cornerstone of life for us.
When it comes to acceleration, autistic folk may not get a surge, exactly, but many of us love rabbit holes! Give me a big task and I’ll probably roll up my sleeves, dive in and relish the fact that, for a while, that task will be my whole world. I can imagine how shaming that might look to an ADHDer who finds that the brakes go on when faced with an overwhelming task.
In short, and in the words of The Beatles (1967), “I say yes, you say no, you say stop, I say go, go, go. Oh no!”
No wonder things get tangled up in mixed-neurotype relationships. If you need to see some examples of this in action, then here goes …
Autistic/ADHD couple
A few years ago I worked with a man in his 30s, as was his wife, who both wanted to start a family. Because they’d talked about this, they thought they were in agreement. However, to reach the point where they felt ready to start trying for a child, they needed to refurbish their house and sell it, then move into somewhere cheaper. The autistic husband did most of the refurbishment, and the ADHD wife helped out.
Autism can be described as an affinity for patterns (Crespi, 2021). Frankly, it’s a more helpful framing than calling it a deficit in social cognition and reliance on repetitive behaviours, which is how we are framed in the DSM-V (APA, 2017). Of course we fall short sometimes when trying to make sense of new social situations – there are too many nuances and unknowns in social interactions to form a pattern and therefore predictions for what to do next time. But I digress …
Refurbishing a house includes some very pattern-y activities, like laying tiles and cutting materials into 90-degree angles. The husband was just trying to do what he considered an adequate job, because he could see when things weren’t perfect. His brain was built for that sort of detail. To his wife, however, his painstaking approach felt far too slow, and kept the real task – having a baby – far away on the horizon. She avoided complaining to him, as she felt ashamed even thinking about criticising his approach when he was clearly doing his best.
Neurotypical/ADHD/autistic family
In another example, I worked with a neurotypical/ADHD couple with a stepson (the stepson didn’t come to counselling). Their boy was in the middle of being diagnosed with autism and was finding adjusting to his new reality hard. This was impacting the family. His mum had ADHD, and she struggled to cope with the upheaval to the family. As we talked, she realised that the process would take as long as it took – she couldn’t rush things along. Her job was just to be there for him while he found his feet. Understanding this made all the difference to her.
Conclusion
I find working with couples a pleasure, because the nub of the work we have to do together is usually around cultivating mutual understanding. Usually, couples are eager to understand one another better. When I work with a couple and the counselling doesn’t work out, it’s generally because at least one half of the couple is being dogmatic rather than seeking to understand and become more flexible as their understanding grows.
I noticed this with a neurotypical man and his autistic wife. The woman had a very small circle of friends, which is common for autistic people, as several of us become cautious about who we trust after many, many miscommunications, childhood bullying and the like. Her closeness with a male friend looked to her husband like an affair, but she insisted it was no such thing. It was sad to see a couple part company, especially over something like this, but for them, it felt for the best.
I’m passionate about self-understanding and, for couples, I think this extends to understanding one another at a fundamental level. Once we understand each other, it becomes so much easier to “read” how and why chores are being done, or not done, in a particular way, or what to do when time seems to be passing too fast or too slow. Above all, watching a couple see each other with new eyes is one of the greatest pleasures of my job.
All character-based realisations contained in this post have been derived from created or disguised, consensually given information.
References
American Psychiatric Association (2017). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th edn) Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
The Beatles (1967). Hello, goodbye. Available at: www.youtube.com/watch?v=rblYSKz_VnI (accessed 21 May 2026).
The Brain Charity (July 2021). What’s spoon theory? The metaphor helping people with chronic illnesses and disabilities plan their days. Available at: www.thebraincharity.org.uk/whats-spoon-theory/ (accessed 21 May 2026).
Crespi, B. (2021). Pattern unified autism. Available at: www.researchgate.net/publication/349293982_Pattern_Unifies_Autism (accessed 21 May 2026).
Hayden, R. (May 2025). If you would just try harder. Available at: https://attention-allies.org/2025/05/18/if-you-would-just-try-harder/ (accessed 22 May 2026).
Stafford, D. and Wilson, A. (January 2026). ADHD across generations: Boys and men growing up: 1966–2026 Part 1: Now you are 60. Available at: https://attention-allies.org/2026/01/02/adhd-across-generations-boys-and-men-growing-up-1966-2026-part-1-now-you-are-60/ (accessed 21 May 2026).
Watkins, H. (May 2025). Gems coming out of your head: A twist on radical acceptance. Available at https://attention-allies.org/2025/05/04/gems-coming-out-of-your-head-a-twist-on-radical-acceptance/ (accessed 21 May 2026).
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Published 5 July 2026
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